I went on Craigslist to sell a piano and ended up on the dark side of the Tea Party.

This is what dating means when you’ve been married, divorced and the internet exploded while you were doing some domestic shit. Basically, that’s what this blog is about. Not just me and my own shenanigans, but from all perspectives who reside here in the Hippie Haven. There are three of us, in varying degrees of both domesticity and singleness. We’re a weird herd, but we’re family. If you don’t like it, sorry ‘bout cha. There are plenty of other websites to waste your time on.

Such as Craigslist.

So I had this piano and hadn’t touched it in years. I wanted lessons and just never got it done. It was yet another unkept promise of my marriage. Baby needed a new pair of shoes, so I thought I’d sell it. I’d literally only HEARD about Craigslist, and in fact, the only thing I’d ever heard about it was in reference to the Craigslist Killer. But that didn’t deter me—I’m a tough kid who’s hardly naïve. It seemed like a BRILLIANT plan. So, I took pictures, uploaded them with my tech savvy skills, got the piano posted and returned to the homepage. Then I realized “Hey, they have a personals section on Craigslist. I don’t have cable, this should be entertaining.” [If you knew my profession, you’d realize I’m definitely not easily shocked at humanity, or the dark side of society.] BUT when an 80 year old man puts an ad for a 20 year old to “fuck him while his wife in a wheelchair watches”…That’s shocking. And a little bit awesome.

And certainly intriguing. I still wonder if anyone answered him.

So I looked around and there was a guy with a picture of himself and he had a lot of tattoos. Kind of my thing. So I thought, “What the hell?” I emailed him, and he wrote back very quickly. I just said “I like your tattoos.” He replied, “Maybe you’ll like me too.” Cute, no? Yes! We exchanged phone numbers and proceeded to talk for 3 hours. [REAL talking, with voices and everything! Some texting, but not once did we say “LOL”.] This was a great relationship so far. We’ll call this man, Man.

Man begged to come over, I said okay. It was then when I realized he has “Don’t Tread on Me” tattooed on his body. Not a button, or a sticker… A tattoo. I told him it might be a good time for me to point out I’m a raging liberal. He was undeterred. I think he was blinded by my breasts. So we did the damn thing. Then he asked me to run some errands with him. Makes sense. One errand included picking up something at his father’s house. We walked in the door and this adorable bulldog greets us. Man’s father said, “Hi, nice to meet you, let me show you his tricks.”  [The bulldog, not Man.] Bulldog’s premier trick was attacking a black teddy bear named Barack Obama. It was awful. Man just sweetly squeezed my hand and gave me an “I’m sorry” look with his eyes.

I should’ve ended it all there. Alas, this was only Day One. We’ve all got crazy family, right? I don’t judge. So welcome to the jungle, ladies. We’re in this together.